Good things :

Daughter is still going to community college
My father is healthy
My mother is healthy
work is great
my son had a job interview today
my cat loves me.
And I've recently reconnected with old friends from my young adult and teen years. . yes as usual they all live in California now, but it's nice to catch up.

I know God has a purpose for all that I'm dealing with. I just wish I could see through the fog and understand. It seems a friend or two think that I just need to focus better on life around me, rather than focusing on my perpetual single-hood. . but that is so much easier said that done.

I just want to understand why I have to be the strong one all the time. The glue for my family and extended family. The organizer and the rock. When will it be my turn? My turn for love and joy and companionship?

This evening I got in a bit of a shouting match with my daughter. I'm just fed up with her bad choices, disrespect towards me and then turning around and wanting something from me. HOW DARE YOU!

My father and I do so much for her to try and make sure she succeeds. But she still doesn't get it. She hasn't been following the house rules and helping out as much as she used too. And she called me out of my name. It took all the strength I had tonight to not get up out of my room and not slap her across the face and kick her out.

She is going to community college but thats it. 3 hours a day. .nothing else. I'm sorry but that is not enough. She should have a part time job at least or come home and clean so when I get home from working 12 hours straight I don't have to stress over the little things.

As for my son? he's trying to stay sober and hasn't yet found a job. I gave him until the end of this month to have a job or he has to enroll at the community college or he's also out.

I think I've hit rock bottom .. or I just developed a back bone. I'm not sure. But I sure am tired of being taken advantage of and I just want to scream and cry until I have no more voice and tears.

I dont know how my parents did it with 4 of us. Yes there were 2 of them but double the kids, and yes it was a time where my mother was able to stay home full time and be involved in our schools and church programs as well as my dad after work. Why can't we go back in time to those days? The days of true innocence? simplicity and PG rated tv.

We live in such sad times now . .and we have nobody to blame but ourselves.

So its been a few weeks since i've updated. Work is going great but im working too many hours and getting sick. Plus the change in the weather is really beating up my lungs.

Friday I go to the Dr for an iron infusion and hopefully I won't get sick. The last 2 times I didn't so that is a positive thing.

As for the kids? My son fell off the wagon last night and i'm just heart broken. He has been doing so great. . but I know he is beating himself up because he is jobless right now. He feels like a failure and he wants to help me with the bills. All I can do is love him and keep trying to build his self esteem up.

Now my daughter is doing better. She is home more and enrolled in community college. I am thankful for so many things right now. . I just have to keep focusing on the good rather than the negative.

I just gets so old doing it all alone ALL the time. My father tries to be there for me, but hell hes 82. Other than him I really have no other emotional support locally.

But I know my best friends are just a phone call away.

**side note** WHY was my neighbor Cleatus asleep in my livingroom chair this morning when i was leaving for work? Not my fault the brutha got his grown 30 sumthin butt kicked out by his girl and decided to get my son drunk! I woke him up rudely and he knows he's on my LIST!

Being realistic, I know I could never kick out my kids. I worry about them far too much. Probably in the same way my mother worried about me and would call me several times a day to check in on me and make sure I ate dinner.

20 some odd years later I get it. I get the pain and worry that I put my parents through when I moved out too young. I get the stress that I caused on my entire family when I married the wrong person at the wrong time and made bad decisions.

I guess I just want to protect my kids from making the same painful mistakes so that they can have a better future than I did.

The real question is how and where do I find the balance. What is the key? Is there an emotional balance to be found? is it possible?

So far things seem to be falling into place for me to visit my best friend in October. I really need to reconnect with her. I miss having that companionship that you only get with a close longtime friend.

As for work, its going well. I just need to stay healthy and get enough rest. But other than that i'm enjoying it.

I've been praying for my kids to really find their own path. One can only hope they will figure it out quickly and start making the right choices. I've been considering moving into a 1 bedroom apartment and letting them know they can not move with me. They are of age now and don't have jobs, nor are attending college. . so it might be time for some tough love.

But can I really go through with it? Will I allow the guilt to take over?

Time will tell.