its interesting how this weekend. . of all weekends. . the weekend I kinda wanted to just stay home and relax. But since yesterday i've had 7 offers to go out this weekend. Some by women but mostly men. I'm just not interested. But now I feel obligated to go out NYE because Smuggie and Suzie are coming down from Canada. I just want to sleep. I want to do nothing. . I want to pout! lol

Growing up in my very Hispanic and stoic household, we didn't see much affection between my mother and father. We knew they loved one another but they never showed any physical indication like hugging or a kissing each other in front of us. We were told that we were loved as well but we weren't hugged either... not sure why that's just how it was.

So when I had my own children I really made a point of hugging them and kissing them and telling them that I loved them several times a day. Now my son is 18 and he still gives me hugs and tells me he loves me even in front of his friends or girlfriends. My 16 yr old daughter doesn't really hug me but she will come and sit on my lap and ask me to scratch her back. That's how she shows me she loves me. ( I love that )

It's common for mothers and sons to be closer than mothers and daughters. I recognize that. . at least at this age of her life. But she has her Papa, her grandpa, my father. She is his shadow. She is quick to grab his hand and walk with him thru the mall or at church showing affection with him and I love that too!

So why can't I show love and affection to my one brother that lives just 3 miles away from me? why do I distance myself from my brothers period?

The brother I was close to, that I actually talked to and shared my secrets with in high school was killed back in 1987. Does that have something to do with it? I know thats the main reason I packed up and moved to California, got pregnant and married a man that was not the right choice for me. I was running away from my feelings of pain and loss. That's why I did all of that. . I was only 19 and was not ready to get married or be a parent.

God this hurts.

I had an entire entry written and I guess I hit the wrong button and it was gone its probably for the best. Sometimes in my writing I put too much of myself out there, and I hate feeling vulnerable. . but on the other hand I know that I really should allow that feeling to exist. I mean isn't that part of growing as a person?

My best friend in Cali that has known me since I was 17 tells me every once in awhile to just open up and be ready to accept life to happen to me. Don't plan it. . just "be".

My personality is normally not a worry wart but rather happy go lucky but cautious. Cautious of other people and their true motives. Will I ever get past that? call it baggage if you will, but my baggage is getting smaller. And easier at being identified. . .that is some sort of progress right?

Part of me wants to just blame my ex husband for making me into and emotional whack job. The other part of me is accepting responsibility for not working on myself sooner.

Most people at work never new me before my weight loss. So they just see me. . chunky/thick me. They didn't know the FULL SIZE 340lbs me. I was really loud and crazy back then. Always wanting to me the center of attention. now i'm still loud at times but I recognize I was over compensating for my own insecurity due to my weight and just not feeling comfortable with myself.

I had to be the funny girl all the time. Now i'm just me. . and who is "me"?? Well. . so far I have figures out that i'm very sensitive and in touch with my feelings. I'm insecure at times. I have days that are better than others. I'm also a protector. A protector of my family and of my friends and that can come out in the form of being a bully. (i'm not proud of that. .that's just how it is)
I'm also terrible with my money.

So where do I go with all this insight? for starters i'm going to try and back track and figure out where the heck all this insecurity and overly sensitive stuff comes from .. when did it begin and why?

Wish me luck.. . i'm tired of feeling this way.

I want it so badly right now I can taste it, i'm scared, but I want it ya know? .but like everything else in my life I seem to go in cycles and who knows I might be over it tomorrow or next week.(fickle? or just scared. . who knows)

Seems I tend to get bored after a bit if things comes through and I change my focus. I hate to wait. I'm impatient and want to see action. I'm the same way with my job.

Work on the other hand is as busy as ever and I should really just use that as my distraction right now. Atleast I won't cry over work stuff. I'm not as emotionally attached to it as I am with issues about my kids or HIM. This is so unlike me to focus on one person. I'm not really dating anyone right now. . .I don't really date anyhow. . but for the first time I just want to try and focus on one person. . and that terrifies me.

My daughter called to inform me that my 18 yr old son and his 28 yr old girlfriend made up. . uugh . I'm just scared for him. . but as the "wise one" told me today, I can not live his life for him. But i'm his momma and I want so badly for him to have a happy and successful life and not be locked up for some stupid bullshit because of old girl! (that's what i'm really afraid of) He is my baby boy, my first born, my sunshine. If anything ever happened to him or my daughter I don't know what i would do. Now I partially understand how my parents felt when they received the news about my late brothers death. . . .why they hibernated. .. why they didn't speak to any of us for months. . .why we could feel the tension and sadness in the house. That's my flesh and blood. And I was meant to protect it. But I also need to protect my sanity.

My desire for a sexual and mental connection has been really strong these last few weeks. I want to discover that feeling of safety and wholeness with a man but I'm not sure how to go about it. He must also desire to satisfy my submissive side and take all of me.

Is he out there? I mean. . really out there? I have fantasized about finding that special someone that I am both mentally and physicall attracted to that shared my interests and has experience with D/s. Maybe i'm just skeptical that he's really out there and sincere in this adventure? Maybe it's my protection wall that is making me doubt that is possible. I want it to be true, I NEED it to be true. But I also don't want ot have to wait 6 months to meet him. I need HIM now. I want him now. . I need to feel secure NOW!

When I look back at my life and the things that I've been thru, I recognize that i'm a strong person. I also recognize that I tend to make myself unapproachable by men. My guard is up, doubt is up and I just think everything they tell me is a lie to just get in my panties. Will I ever get over that? hell i'm 39 and my kids are almost grown. It should be my turn to live and really find love, a partner if you will. . . I don't want to be alone any longer. I don't want to grow old alone. I can picture it. . i'm the old spinster that has 4 cats and lives alone and sits on her porch in the rocking chair that all the little neighborhood kids are scared of because I never talk or smile. lol