It didn't happen. I'm crushed.. . . nothing else to day.

Well today I took a step I think in the right direction. I asked 2 co workers to join me for dinner tomorrow after work. Both said yes so hopefully we can relax and have a nice time. Get to know one another better on a different level away from the stress of work.

Tomorrow in the early afternoon I pick up my daughter. I pray things go well between she and I. She wrote me a letter and I just got it today. One day before she comes home. She acted like nothing was wrong. Didn't even say sorry for hurting me and making me worry so much. Didn't say sorry for all the stress that she has put me through these last 2 years. I just don't know what to think?

Next Friday my son comes home finally. It will be wonderful to have both my kids home at the same time. The place has been lonely without them. Just the cat and me each and every night.

How I wish I could turn back time. I would turn back the last 10 years and redo so many things. I would have taken more time with my mother in the kitchen. Written down her recipece. Not worked 2 jobs so that I had more time with my children. And continue with my music. That is what made me happy.

Music was such a huge part of me. . and I lost it. I stopped practising because I was raising 2 kids on my own and working two jobs. I didn't have the time. I lost one important thing that really made me happy. That was part of my soul.

Slowly I will figure things out. . i'm a little slow. .but i'll get there.

Yesterday was a great day at work compared to how i've been feeling. I'm having a real difficult time thinking positive. So much is going on right now with both kids but I have to keep reminding myself that they are of age and I can't live their life for them. I can't make their choices for them.

I've had so much sadness in my heart lately and it scares me. Am I capable of being happy? of being joyful again? Or is this how it's going to be for me the rest of my life? sad, emotional and alone.

I've been missing work because I just cant' function emotionally. I break down in tears at my desk. My chest hurts from worrying and my head hurts as well. This has got to stop. I need to start really truly living my life for me and not my kids.

Time for me to figure out what makes me happy. But then that would mean I would have to actually figure myself out, spend time focused on just me. How do I do that? where do I begin?

Yes, I know it sounds dorky but its the truth. I've lived these last 20 years for my kids and my parents and I lost myself. Atleast a huge part of me. I know that i'm a submissive partner. but other than that who am I?

At work they do offer employee assistance services and I know they offer therapy. I just need to talk to someone to point me in the right direction to discover me. This is so scary.

How pathetic am I? I'm pouring out my soul on here because I don't have any girlfriends close by to talk to. So I write out out for the world to see. . . .I suck.

Words of a submissive/slave
I am a submissive woman. I find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive/slave to another in a loving relationship. I am not weak, or stupid. I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life. I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.
I look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am I more complete than when he is with me. I know that he will protect my body, my mind, and my soul with his strength and wisdom. He is everything to me, as I am everything to him. His touch awakens me and his thoughts free me. Only in serving him do I find complete freedom and joy.
His punishments are harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that he has my best interests always foremost in his mind. If he desires my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to him, and take pleasure myself from knowing that I have brought him happiness. However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship. The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.
My body is his, and if he says I am beautiful, then I am. No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in his eyes, and because of that I hold my head high...for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me? If he says I am his princess, then I am that...regal and graceful, and if I see laughter at me in the eyes of others, I do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong? If he says I am his toy, his slut, his tramp, then I am that...as wanton and dirty as he wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.
My mind is his, to expand, to explore, to know as only he can. I have no secrets from him...for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being more perfectly his. Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself...and I do not want walls. His lessons are not always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons he has decided I need, and so I learn from him.
My soul is his, as bare to his touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at his feet. Never a moment goes by when I do not feel his presence, be he miles away or standing over me. If I were to ever displease him, his displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be. The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint him is harder to bear than the physical anguish I feel when his belt caresses me with fire.
I spend my days knowing that the energy and thought he puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for his, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together. His part is much harder than mine, and I know this and am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend his time and energy so freely on me. I have the easier job: to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to him. I am his pleasure and his responsibility, and he takes both seriously.
I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that. My submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to one who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold. Only to he who has that strength will I give myself fully, because I am strong and proud. I am a submissive woman.
Author Unknown

well the sadness is still here but I seem to be dealing and processing it better. I finally understand that its not about me.

As for other parts of my life, work is going well. And i'm still searching for "HIM". My perfect fit. My gentleman/Dom. The one that will meet my emotional and physical needs. It's something that I have always desired but its such a fine line to really find that person that meets those very specific needs of mine.

I have always had such a strong desire to serve, to please, and to also feel that im safe and being taken care of. That I have that special someone that I can tell all my secrets too. That I can depend on.

My girlfriends don't really understand this need that I have and I can't expect them too. They only understand a portion of what i speak of and that's okay. It's very personal. Very private and very spiritually deep to me. Nobody can really understand unless it is "him".

So I'll continue on my journey and not rush into anything. If it's meant to be it will happen. someday our paths will cross.