As for my McDreamy, he and I spoke for a long time this morning on my drive into work. He just seems so real about wanting this relationship and i'm so happy and excited but still very scared. I want this so badly. I want to feel like i'm starting to build a life with someone. Someone that will love me unconditionally. That has characteristics like my father. on that can communicate clearly, put up with my crazy mood swings, is patient and intelligent and knows how to calm my worrying thoughts.

He fits all those things... I'm scared that I might screw it up. That i'm not going to fit all that he desires. And THAT is my insecurity,it has nothing to do with him .. it's all me. . I need to just get over it and not jinx myself.

I know there are some things I still need to work on personally, like being more direct when someone hurts my feelings or lets me down. Hell everyone can use work on that.

I'm just so tired of being dissappointed by people in my life. There are very few that have really stepped upto the plate for me over the last 3 years. The last 3 years have been such a turning point in my family that it really means alot to me. . (if that makes sense)

Maybe it's time for a change. Back to hibernation. I'm tired of being the one to always call or plan stuff.

There are 2 girlfriends that have been reliable and it just figures one lives out of the country and the other in another state. . i'll just stick with my male friends. Atleast I know I can depend on them.

I am so happy. He is making his flight reservation now for next month. Mothers day weekend! I have never had anyone do anything really for me on that day .. my kids and I were always so focused on my mom, and I never did anything for "me" on that day. Well this time i'm shipping my daughter off to my dads and i'm having another weekend with my McDreamy LOL.

okay so last night was a good night. I got home from work just before 8pm, cracked open a bottle of wine and went in my bedroom and watched my shows. Ugly Betty and Grays Anatomy. My daughter came in my room and asked if I would scratch her back. . then my son walk in the door and decides he's going to stay the night needless to day by the end of my 2 shows, I had 3 "small" glasses of wine and went right to bed. I slept like a rock until 4am. Woke up with a bit of an asthma attack .. damn cats! but i'm okay. I'm happy. Had both my children under one roof for the night. .life if good.

I know i'm a dork but it really is the little things that make me happy. I love my kids and I miss seeing them together. Working together and just hanging out.

I have never experience the feeling of "feeling" really free to be myself. . . until recently. I think i'm just finally at the age where my train of thought is, if they don't like me. .who cares! I think most if it has to do with my new love in my life.

I'm trying not to jinx it. But rather enjoy it. I'm keeping myself open to real love. Allowing someone to get to know the real me.